In the literary world, there are authors, and then
there are AUTHORS. What’s the
difference? Well, when an AUTHOR
shows up to do a book-signing event at a bookstore, the store runs a one-line
announcement in the local newspaper and is overwhelmed with fans ready to snap
up autographed copies at full list price.
AUTHORS get to drive around in BMWs (when they’re not being
chauffeured), have housekeepers and gardeners, and have lots of time to lie
around on tropical beaches socializing and drinking Mai Tai’s.
When an author shows up for a book signing, he runs a full-page ad at his own
expense, arrives in a 1989 Honda Civic, and gets three people to appear, two of
whom are relatives and got the book for free.
AUTHORS get whole websites devoted entirely to them, complete with
fancy animations and a thriving fan club.
authors are lucky if their publisher remembers to list their book on the
publisher’s main website.
J.K Rowling is an AUTHOR.
Dave Barry is an AUTHOR.
Even someone like Barry Lopez, in the right part of the country, is an
AUTHOR. Let’s take a look at the
kind of conversation an AUTHOR like Dave Barry has at a book signing and
compare it to that of a typical author (I actually went to a Dave
Barry book signing once, so I can quote this from personal experience):
Adoring
Dave Barry Fan (20-something female with long blonde hair who looks like she
just stepped off the beach from Maui):
Shriek! Look! It’s Dave Barry! I love him, I love him, I love him! I’ve got to get him to sign my book!!!
Dave
Barry: OK, OK, don’t push,
I’ve got plenty of ink in my pen for everyone.
Adoring
Dave Barry Fan: Dave Barry, you’re
the most awesome author ever!
Please sign my book and inscribe it “To Amber, my greatest fan.” And while you’re at it, please, please,
please let me have your baby!
Now compare that to a recent conversation I had at my own
book-signing event:
Man off the street (who just happened to
walk by): Are you really the author of this book?
SWH: Yes, I really
am. (Opens the book to the back
page and shows him the author’s photo, heavily retouched and taken awhile
back.) See, here’s my photo.
Man
off the street: It doesn’t look like
you. That man has a beard.
SWH: Yes, I had to
shave it off. My family and
friends didn’t like it.
Man
off the street: It still doesn’t
look like you. Are you sure that’s
really you?
SWH: Yep, it sure is. Can I sign a book for you? We’re giving them away free tonight,
you know.
Man
off the street: Well, I don’t know,
what did you say it’s about?
It’s my goal to become an AUTHOR, so every so often I check the
Internet to see what my adoring fans are saying about me. Since no one has yet had the foresight
to create a fan club or Internet site for me, the next best thing is to check
how my used book sales are doing on Amazon. I’ve authored several books that are now out of print
(perhaps a message in itself), and it’s always interesting to see how their
investment value is holding up. A
recent listing for my first-ever book, a weighty tome for the high-tech
industry called Handbook of Surface Mount Technology (originally
priced at $103.00), underscores the challenge ahead of me. A certain unnamed used-book store was
selling a copy at a heavily discounted price with a description that read (I
swear I’m not making this up):
“Hard-to-find first edition in
excellent condition except signed by the author.”
And while we’re on the subject of autographs, let me give you a
tip. If you want the author to
sign a book so as to drive up its resale value (as opposed to because you really
like him and his work), get him to just sign it, nothing else. No one wants to buy a book that was
obviously signed for someone else.
An inscription that reads “To Hattie Hayseed, from Dave Barry” won’t
have the same collector’s value as a book that just has Mr. Barry’s
signature. So Amber made a rookie
mistake by asking for her book to be inscribed to her. It’s funny how my adoring fans never
seem to make that same mistake with me.
